Get excited, breakfast fanatics! We have another Guest Host joining us today, all the way from the glamorous suburbs of Chicago! It is my pleasure to introduce today's guest committee member, Jordan S:

Jordan has the distinction of being the very first person to send in a What Is Breakfast query that actually turned out to be Breakfast. He has also personally taken Co-Chair Jessy to many excellent Breakfast Joints in the greater Chicago area. (Did you know that they have a great pancake place there? You might have heard of it. It's international. Kind of a house of sorts.) You can look for him and his hot, breakfast-eating fiancee as co-chairs of the upcoming, much-anticipated What Is A Date Committee.

Now that Jordan's impressive credentials have earned him your unwavering trust and loyalty, let's get to a query that has been oh-so-patiently waiting for a response...


Dear Esteemed community of breakfasters,

My mother gives me gifts in the form of Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars quite often. I liked them at first but quickly tired of them. (CONFESSION: I don't even eat breakfast anymore!) Now I give them away to guests and even bring them to parties sometimes in the effort to rid myself of them. Despite my efforts there remains a sizable pile of boxes in my pantry.

It has occurred to me that I could tell my mother that I don't like them anymore, but if they are truly breakfast bars I feel I should continue to indulge her in the hopes that one day I might actually eat breakfast.

So, prodigious bread-breakers, can you tell me if Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are indeed breakfast?

Sinceviously,
Conscientious in Concord


Jessy: I'm going to have to say that a Nature's Valley Crunchy Granola Bar is Breakfast. However, I would like Conscientious to be aware that nothing-for-breakfast is Not Breakfast. Also, the half of the committee that has been to Conscientious's apartment would like to know why they were never offered a Nature's Valley Crunchy Granola Bar. How far does this anti-breakfast prejudice extend?

Final vote: Breakfast.


Jordan: It's Breakfast, but might require an early lunch.

Final vote: Breakfast.


The Committee's Final Decision Is:

Nature's Valley Crunchy Granola Bar is Breakfast. Nothing is Not Breakfast.

Dear What Is Breakfast Committee:

Is toast with swiss cheese and avocado considered breakfast?

Sincerely,

Confused and Hungry at Home


Jessy: Confused and Hungry, I have to admit: that sounds delicious. I sure hope it's Breakfast, because I'm probably going to make it tomorrow morning.

Although swiss cheese and avocado are often used as ingredients in both lunch and dinner, they are also something you could easily find in a Committee-approved morning omelet. When you combine that with toast (a member of breakfast in good standing), I think we have a Breakfast on our hands.

Final vote: A Delicious Breakfast


Stacie: Dear Confused and Hungry,

I won't know if that's breakfast until you come over to my house tomorrow and make it. Please do so pronto.

In case you can't make it, however: if it has avocado, it's breakfast.

Final vote: Avocado is Breakfast.


The Committee's Final Decision Is:

Toast With Swiss Cheese and Avocado Is Breakfast.
Whether or not Avocado is Breakfast Was Not Exactly the Question.

As many of our loyal fans have so kindly pointed out, there has not been a What Is Breakfast Committee meeting for some time now. The truth is, the Kathie Lee to my Regis (Chanelle) is a PhD student, and that commitment unfortunately has drawn her away from the hallowed halls of Breakfast. Consider it a sabbatical without any specific end in sight. Now, I'm not looking for a Kelly Ripa (dear god, when will this analogy end?), but I would like to bring some Guest Host Committee Members on board, so that we can get the judgments rolling again. Any feedback as to their breakfasty performance would be appreciated. But please be polite (, Jordan and David). And bear in mind that these kind-hearted folks are not trained breakfast-determination professionals like Chanelle and myself.

That said, let's introduce today's guest host: Stacie W!

Although Stacie does not often eat breakfast herself, she is adept at taking photos of breakfast, and filming people who are making and/or talking about breakfast. (She is, in fact, director and editor of the award-winning "Cooking with Jessypants" web serial.) She also enjoys eating breakfast-approved foods for dinner, with a particular preference for cereal and huevos rancheros.

And now, on to the query...

Dear "What Is Breakfast" Committee,

My friend and I have an ongoing dispute about the exceptional nature of breakfast following a night spent amongst friends. While he argues that the essential food and customs of breakfast are immutable, I hold that in the afterglow of a New Year's Eve or reunion party, it is wholly acceptable to indulge in a breakfast with personality: a breakfast that proclaims and reaffirms all that is good about parties, sprinkles, icing, confetti and the color blue. The breakfast to which I refer is, of course, that of Mayfield's Birthday Cake Ice Cream. While neither nutritious nor particularly fitting for such an early hour in any other circumstance, it seems a shame to simply eat cereal after waking up after only two hours of sleep because no one could stop talking (or playing games or watching scary movies) the night before. Barring a trip to Waffle House (which is better done in the wee small hours of the morning anyway), Birthday Cake Ice Cream is a breakfast both satisfying and in keeping with the atmosphere of the sleepover. As a small practical point in my favor, it is also a dairy product -- doesn't that count for something? In the absence of someone who has the skill and energy to make cinnamon rolls, it is not only allowable but desirable to resort to a frozen dessert of the caliber of ice cream that also claims to be cake. Because, really, toast or eggs would just kill the mood.

Sincerely,

An Endorser of the Exceptional Breakfast

Stacie: Dear Endorser of the Exceptional Breakfast (and it sounds like it is),

Are we talking about an ice cream cake? Or cake that looks like ice cream or ice cream in the shape of a cake? Anyway it goes, it sounds like it does have some noteworthy ingredients that would make it possibly breakfast. Dairy is in fact, great for calcium, as are eggs (if any part of this is real cake but now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably just ice cream cake). Unfortunately, there is quite a bit of sugar involved. And while I'm not one to go against sugar by any means, I'm guessing this has more sugar than the normal sugared cereal, which then makes my vote as such:

Final Vote: Not Breakfast. But it's probably a good breakfast accompaniment.

Jessy: Endorser, I'm glad to hear about your lively circle of friends and your admirable enthusiasm for life. I can definitely understand your reluctance to "kill the mood" after an impromptu sleepover. But you know what really kills the mood? Type 2 Diabetes. Make an omelet.

Final vote: Not Breakfast.

The Committee's Final Decision Is:

Mayfield's Birthday Cake Ice Cream is Not Even a Little Bit Like Breakfast.
And Stacie may need a nutritional consultant.

In lieu of another determination, please feel free to view this video, shot by the great Stacie Wilhelm, in which one half of the What Is Breakfast Committee discusses the menu at an all-day-breakfast joint called Toast:



(In case you were curious, the pronounced lisp that may be heard in this short film/documentary is the result of an allergic reaction contracted by said committee member, which caused her tongue to swell up and overlap her teeth*. Her speech impediment is not normally this obvious.)

*I am not even joking.

i just wanted to point out that my friend stacie (and the rocket jones team) know breakfast:



.... on the rare occasions when they actually eat it.

(thank you, stacie, for providing the committee with this excellent visual representation of breakfast. you'll be receiving your coupons in the mail.)

A Sidebar on the topic of:

recent breakfast-related conversations overheard by a member of the Committee:

at a Neil Gaimain Q & A session:

:

:::

Q: What is your perfect breakfast?

A: [blah blah, some clever stuff, and then...] A cheese omelet. Made by me.

(Congratulations, Neil Gaiman! You know What Is Breakfast!)

:::

getting ready for work one morning, with my roommate, while making lunch for the day:

Roommate: Is a glob of peanut butter that fell off the knife Breakfast?

Jessy: I don't know... that's not very substantial...

Roommate: What if I drink a glass of water to wash it down?

Jessy: Make it a mouthful of orange juice, and we'll call it Breakfast.

(Please note that these conversations all took place outside of an official What Is Breakfast Committee meeting and as such should be considered the opinions of Neil Gaiman, Jessy, and Jessy respectively. These determinations are off the record and have not in any way been approved by the Committee - who would probably be okay with the cheese omelet, but might be a little suspicious of the glob of peanut butter.)

:::

The Committee was also interested to find that 61% of the public are confident that Applesauce Cake and Bloody Marys are Breakfast, while only 53% are willing to bestow that same confidence in Turkey Bacon (not to be confused with veggie bacon). We were somewhat relieved that only 15% of you venture to put Red Bull into the same category. (Although the Committee is somewhat suspicious that the defiant 15% may be related to one of the co-chairs. As this is an anonymous poll, we'll refrain from naming names. However, if you happen to be related to Jessy, and you voted that Red Bull was Breakfast, please raise your hand.)

Dear Committee,

Does spiking hot cocoa with Bailey's negate its position in the breakfast canon?

Please do bear in mind, it was significantly more cocoa than Bailey's.

Cordially,
A Friend

Jessy: A Friend’s inquiry is certainly intriguing. It brings up an important question: is hot chocolate a breakfast food? Also, is hot chocolate by itself breakfast, regardless of the presence or absence of booze?

Chanelle: An excellent question indeed. As for hot chocolate alone, I’m leaning toward Not Breakfast. Especially if it was, for instance, comprised of water and a Swiss Miss Packet. Though I suspect that’s not really A Friend’s style.

Jessy: Right. Given the party in question, we can make some assumptions, such as it was probably not a Swiss Miss packet. It was probably more like organic Cadbury dark chocolate slowly melted into a pot of simmering whole milk... that was brought directly from a neighbouring farm that morning, after being extracted from the cow. But I'm still not sure where I stand on the beverage-only breakfast, or even on the hot-chocolate-as-breakfast-accompaniment.

Chanelle: Didn't we have a discussion about one of Anonymous(Jason)’s breakfast entries, saying that it would have been more valid if he had only had coffee?

Jessy: Oh, maybe. But it was something super-not-valid, so.... the only place to go was up.

Chanelle: Yeah...it was like coffee and Cheetos.... I think we might need to nix A Friend’s alcoholic hot chocolate.

Jessy: Without making any judgment on his or her character, obviously.

Chanelle: Obviously.

Jessy: Because who among us has not had a drink or two in the morning?

Chanelle: Hmmmm.

Jessy: Or five, if it's New Years.

Chanelle: Who among us?

Jessy: Or 4th of July. Or Columbus Day.

Chanelle: Um... Sure. You know, if it was a holiday... like Thanksgiving or Christmas... I think the alcoholic hot chocolate might be admissible.

Jessy: Right. Mimosas on new years? Totally acceptable. Although still... a mimosa does not a breakfast make. If it comes with scones or eggs, then it’s breakfast.

Chanelle: Let's just say it's Not Breakfast.

Jessy: I agree.

Chanelle: Cool.

Due to the alcoholic content, the lack of documentation regarding any solid-food accompaniment, and the wobbliness of hot chocolate's standing in the breakfast canon, the Committee’s Decision is:

Hot Chocolate Spiked with Bailey’s is Not Breakfast.

"You really think hot chocolate so wobbly?"
"I think it needs a firm foundation to rest upon. Like, firmer than liquor."
"Okay."