After-Breakfast Dessert?

Dear WIBC, 

How about a bowl of Maple Brown Sugar Life, Fresca Black Cherry Soda, and two Whoopie Pies while reading People Magazine? What do you consider appropriate reading material for breakfast-time? What about the Cereal-to-Whoopie-Pie Ratio? What if the Whoopie Pies were made with Whole Grain flour? Could the Whoopie Pies be considered an after-breakfast dessert? (This was not MY breakfast. It was eaten by someone in whose dietary and intellectual habits I have a vested interest. Is that allowed?) 

-Blake's wife

Guest Committee Member David Death:

What is Breakfast? Before we ask what is breakfast, we must first answer "why is Breakfast?"

Why is Breakfast? Breakfast is to start the @&$!#!% day. Nay, to OWN THE @&$!#!% DAY. To destroy our enemies with speed and precision. We must ATTACK with stealth and cunning, we must be acute and FULL OF @&$!#!% APTITUDE. Because our ENEMIES ARE WAITING. 

So, What is Breakfast? What gives us the power and strength to obliterate the @#!$ out of the day? NUTRITION!  Vitamins and minerals. PROTEINS. MILK. MUSCLES. SLAM DUNKS.

What isn't Breakfast? What doesn't keep you TOUGH AS @#!$  Two cakes separated by HELL. HELL is  a place on earth, and it's made of that white sugary, strength-stealing, white shit in the middle of two gingerbread cakes delicately sprinkled with more sugary white shit. DELICATE IS NOT STRONG. Whoopie? More like Whimpy. THIS MUST NOT GET NEAR YOUR BREAKFAST. 

What are your enemies eating for Breakfast? Whoopie Pies? NO. They crush the biggest Whoopie Pies (1.062 lbs) with their brains while eating BANANAS and PROTEIN and some @&$!#!% JUICE. Did you eat a Whoopie Pie for breakfast? You are WEAK and you will be CRUSHED. You must be strong. Did a loved one eat a Whoopie Pie? THEY ARE WEAK. You are weak because those closest to you are WEAK. They cannot protect you. Some eggs-on-a-bagel-eating $%&!$@#!$!# will SNEAK INTO YOUR DAY and make it AWFUL, because he is your enemy and you are WEAK, but he is STRONG BECAUSE PROTEIN.  

Because this is the most important @&$!#!% meal of the day. 

Recommended reading: THE INGREDIENTS OF PROTEIN.

Co-chair Jessy:

The What Is Breakfast Committee would like to communicate the utmost respect for Vested Interests and Other Forms of Love, and is certainly very happy for you and yours. But, no, that's Not Breakfast, Blake.

The What Is Breakfast Committee is very loud and very certain:

Maple Brown Sugar Life Cereal, Fresca Black Cherry Soda, Two Whoopie Pies, and People Magazine Have Never Been Nor Shall They Ever Be Breakfast.

The Controversial Otter Pop

Dear What Is Breakfast Committee:

As a long-time Breakfast-enthusiast, I tend to try and mix things up for Breakfast on occasion... Who wants the same bland toast, eggs, bacon, or cereal for Breakfast EVERY morning? But with these culinary nuances at hand, I find myself wondering... Is the accompaniment of a typical Breakfast product along with those of the "non-breakfast" staple considered Breakfast? Take for example my Breakfast this morning: Cheerios with 2% milk (obviously Breakfast) with the delightful addition of an Otter Pop. Breakfast? Now it has been said that the likes of a food with the sugar exceeding that of a typical sugar cereal may not be considered Breakfast, but what about an Otter Pop with a miniscule 6 grams of sugar? Is that Breakfast on its own? Or would the partnership of my humble Cheerios allow something of its stature to roam out of its typical classification? I hope you can solve my dilemma, or else I may have been eating Breakfast wrong all along!

With regards,

Famished in Fort Collins

(September 4, 2009) 

Co-chair Jessy: This half of the Committee has no idea what an Otter Pop is. And yet she can declare, with absolute certainty, that it is Not Breakfast.

Judging by the name, it seems like it must either be a) a popsicle in the shape of an Otter, b) a lollipop in the shape of an Otter, or c) a frozen Otter (or part of an otter?) on a stick. The Committee obviously has access to the wonder of "google images," but refuses to employ that venerable tool to answer a question that has already been answered: No, an Otter Pop is Not Breakfast.

(If you had the Cheerios and THEN a Otter Pop, The Committee would be willing to concede that you did have Breakfast, and then immediately followed it with something that was Not Breakfast. However, if you added the Otter Pop to your Cheerios, the Committee can only conclude that you not only did Not eat Breakfast, but you are also a sick, sick man.)


Guest Committee Member David Death: Three and half years have passed since your initial query. A lot has changed since then: dub step is considered real music, Ben Affleck won an Oscar for portraying a Mexican, the ice caps have melted and so has your Otter Pop.

What hasn't changed is breakfast, which is exactly what you have not been eating for the last three and a half years. And that's exactly what I'm here to rectify.

According to a website of my choosing, the Otter Pop is defined as a "frozen snack…filled with a fruit juice liquid." The liquid is neither fruit nor juice, but water filled with flavors - a colored ice cube. Packing a whopping 40 calories, you'll burn more calories bringing the liquid snack up to your mouth than you will consuming it, leaving negative calories. Negative calories are not food, and not food is Not Breakfast.

But this "frozen snack" is curious. What if your frozen snack is two scrambled eggs and bacon blended into a liquid state and left in the freezer? Definitely Breakfast. Oatmeal and raisins shaped into a cone and placed on a stick? Breakfast. Pancakes and hashbrowns? You bet. Hot as lava or cold as Pluto (R.I.P), whatever your temperature preference, Breakfast is Breakfast at any thermometer reading.

So, put your Otter Pop back in the freezer and leave it there. Forever. Because Frozen Liquid Snacks Made of Water and Color are Not Breakfast. You've simply chosen to eat a popsicle after Breakfast and before Lunch. Is it Brunch, you ask? Good question, but we at the What Is Breakfast Committee are not authorized, nor qualified to answer that. Please refer to the Why Does Brunch Matter Community.

A quick note: While an ice cube is not food and definitely Not Breakfast, it should be noted that any meal with Ice Cube is and always will be Breakfast.


The Committee can attest:

An Otter Pop With Breakfast is No Breakfast at All.

(And for the record, our official position is that the Presence or Absence of Iconic Rap Artists Does Not Affect the Status of Breakfast vs. Not Breakfast.)

(And that liquefied-then-frozen eggs may not officially be Breakfast until the year 2063.)

Incan Gods vs. Breakfast Gods

Happy New Years Eve, Friends of Breakfast! The What Is Breakfast Committee is delighted to report that they are already on track to fulfill their pre-resolution of updating this blog with new determinations every Friday. (Three weeks = three determinations = WIN.) In the pursuit of that goal, we continue to introduce exciting (and occasionally maverick) new Guest Committee Members. This week, we'd like to welcome Guest Committee Member David Death to the breakfast table.

David Death has the most important qualification for a Committee Member: he always eats Breakfast. (Previous "Problem Members" have always been non-breakfast-eaters. Co-chair Jessy has no excuse whatsoever for allowing these people to make breakfast-related decisions.) He also provides a much-needed expertise in the arena of Gluten-Free Breakfast, as well as a flair for factually-questionable mythology.

Dear What Is Breakfast Committee:

As I sit in my dining room this morning, soaking up the desert sunshine and delighting in my morning meal, I became paralyzed mid-spoonful as the thought surfaced, "Is this breakfast??" I am indulging in quinoa with apples, raisins, and vanilla yogurt with cinnamon on top. What concerns me is the quinoa. Could this sacred Incan super crop be breakfast? Is this mighty grain amongst grains truly a breakfast food? Will I disturb the Incan gods with my preparation of this meal? And what about the breakfast gods?

Please advise.

Mid-spoonful, anxious, and awaiting your reply,

Tiffany

(February 4, 2009)

Jessy:

Dear Tiffany,

First, let me just apologize on behalf of Committees everywhere for leaving you mid-spoonful for the past thirteen-and-a-half months. Regardless of what position you were in when you chose to freeze and await our reply, I realize it is highly unlikely that it has remained comfortable for this period of time. I sympathize with your plight and the plight of your atrophied muscles. I also regret to inform you that the What Is Breakfast Committee cannot be held responsible for any medical conditions arising from their determinations or lack thereof.

Secondly, let us address the matter at hand: quinoa. Wikipedia identifies quinoa as a "psuedocereal," stating that it is "a grain-like product.... more closely related to beets, spinach, and tumbleweeds" (????) than to, say, rice crispies. Now, while I can state with absolute conviction that Tumbleweeds Are Not Breakfast, it only seems fair to note that quinoa fulfills every Breakfast nutritional value that the Committee could dream of, due to its status as a "superfood" (and, one can only assume, its unique blessing from the Incan Breakfast gods). Also, it appears to me that Dedicated Breakfaster Tiffany has taken her good intentions a step further, and surrounded the possibly-questionable quinoa with apples, raisins, vanilla yoghurt, and cinnamon - thus metaphorizing the quinoa into a somewhat-healthier oatmeal substitute.

Furthermore, since I've already referenced Wikipedia on this matter (although my more-scholarly co-chair might object to its inclusion as a source), it only seems fair to add that Wikipedia specifically states that, "Quinoa can serve as a high-protein breakfast food mixed with honey, almonds, or berries; it is also sold as a dry product, much like corn flakes." Although neither apples, raisins, yoghurt, nor cinnamon are specifically mentioned as Breakfast Mixers here, I feel confident in allowing some creative expansion on the specific items listed here, as long as they fall firmly within the established Breakfast cannon.

This half of The Committee applauds your decision. You may take that now-moldering bite with confidence.

Final vote: Breakfast.

David Death:

Dear Tiffany Quinoa,

The lucky ones will sometimes wakeup with a pain that feels like General Tso fighting last Saturday's Chinese for breakfast (Not Breakfast) in their stomach. Usually accompanied with bad words and gnashing teeth, the oft misdiagnosed pain is caused by the fun-in-the-sun Celiac Disease. Celiac Disease, an autoimmune reaction to gliadin found in the gluten protein, is a lifetime Big Deal with [edited for grossness], nausea, and a failure-to-carry-on as common symptoms. Not unlike Celiac, the oft self-diagnosed wheat allergy produces similar symptoms.

These lucky ones look for solace in less popular grains. Enter Lady Quinoa, an attractive and gliadin free alternative to the sexy, but uninteresting wheat. It can even be eaten hot or cold. Take that Oatmeal! In short, Quinoa makes an excellent substitute for any wheat-based cereal, thereby making an excellent breakfast choice.

But breakfast, unfortunately, is second to a more pressing issue that you brought up. Sadly, your prophecy was correct and you did, in fact, disturb the Incan Gods. If our silence for the last 22 months was disquieting, consider that any and all response efforts went to defending your life and ours. You're welcome.

Final Vote: Breakfast, even if the gods are angry.*

The Committee Has Determined:

Quinoa With Apples, Raisins, and Vanilla Yogurt with Cinnamon On Top Is Totes Breakfast.

*Quick historical fact: Celiac Disease was first brought to Earth by the ancient Incan Gods to punish the children of father's who did evil things with bread.