Can Breakfast and Burgers peacefully co-exist?

Dearest Breakfast Committee:

Just read about this in the Chicago Tribune's "Memorable breakfast sandwiches" article, and I'm so confused!

 

Honey Cafe's breakfast burger 

Love burgers so much you can't wait until breakfast is over and lunch to start? Glen Ellyn's Honey Cafe will scratch that itch. What qualifies this as breakfast is the fried egg and maple syrup-mayo, but the rest is bona fide, all-American hamburger, six ounces of grilled Dietzler Farm beef and applewood-smoked bacon on a Labriola brioche bun. A choice of fries or salad accompanies — for your own good, go with the salad. $12.95, 499 Main St., Glen Ellyn, 630-469-0000, honeycafe.net

WHAT IS IT?

Please send help,
Just Read About This


Dear Just Read About This,

I understand your perplexed feelings. I, for one, am all in favor of Breakfast burgers, Breakfast pizzas, and pretty much anything else that involves piling fried eggs and bacon on top of other delicious foods.

In fact, I recently had an amazing Breakfast burger, and I highly recommend it, but there are several differences I see here…

Let’s break it down:

1. Bun
The Breakfast burger I had was served on an English Muffin, which is clearly a Breakfast item. Honey’s, however, is served on brioche. Unless converted to French Toast, brioche has no loyalty to the Breakfast table. FAIL.

2. Presence of eggs
Your Breakfast burger in question does, in fact, come topped with a fried egg. PASS.

3. Presence of bacon
Double check. PASS.

4. Spread
Maple syrup mayo, eh? This does contain maple syrup. However, it also contains mayo. Which makes it terrible, and only half Breakfast. DRAW.

5. Sides
My Breakfast burger was served with Breakfast-friendly home fries. Your choices of sides in this case are very lunch-y french fries or a salad, when any self-respecting breakfaster knows: the options should clearly be skillet potatoes or fruit. FAIL.

As you can see, according to my checklist, this is a toss-up. The onus of tiebreaker falls on the customer in this case, with one final item on the list: beverage. If you order an OJ and coffee, I will let this slide as Breakfast. If you order a Coke, just get out.

VERDICT: Maybe Breakfast, if you try. But probably not. Because trying should not be required in Breakfast-eating.

Your Brother in Breakfast,
Guest Committee Member Chad


Just Read About This:

Burgers and Breakfast are sworn enemies. This feud dates back to the Prohibition era, when all things delicious were illegal and the Breakfast and Burger families both depended on illicit sales of their goods to survive. Pa Burger came up with the bright idea to marry his daughter, Bitty Burger, into the Breakfast clan, in hopes that it would save his dying empire. But Father Breakfast knew that the Burger family was running low on quality, black market meat (and also that his son, Roger, did not really love Bitty Burger). So, fearing that the Burgers would eventually ruin the good name of Breakfast, Father Breakfast wisely did not allow the alliance to form.

So, no, it's Not Breakfast.

With condolences,
Co-chair Jessy


The Committee has decided:

A Honey's Cafe Breakfast Burger is Not Breakfast. 

Because Breakfast isn't about trying: It's about history.

Swiss Cheese Sleep Cycle

Welcome back, Hopeful Breakfasters! And please join me in welcoming Guest Committee Member Chad, a great patron of Breakfast establishments throughout Chicago, the Bay Area, and his house. He also took our Breakfast photo on the right, thus providing photographic evidence that he knows Breakfast when he sees it. 

Dear What is Breakfast Committee,

I have a dilemma.  My poor sleeping habits sometimes have ill-effects.  One of these ill-effects is sleeping in a bit too late and having to take my Breakfast "on the road" as I run off hurriedly to class.  I don't always have much in terms of food "to go," so oftentimes I will grab a slice of swiss cheese or two and wash it down with water.  Is that Breakfast?

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Guest Committee Member Chad:

Dear Perplexed,

I am sorry for your sleeping troubles. Many of us have known the long stretches of dark, insomnia-ridden nights that make the bright glow of Breakfast seem painfully far away.

Unless, of course, you’re just doing other things, like watching entire seasons of Wings on Netflix, in which case you need to re-examine your life choices.

Which brings me to my next point: use those late-night hours to prepare Breakfast for the next day! As any good nightwalker knows, a sleepless hour doesn’t have to be a wasted hour (or a boring one, if you have an equally sleepless and consenting partner around). Perhaps you could hit an all-night grocery and pick up something more substantial than slices of swiss cheese.

So, on that note: cheese and water, I have to say, are simply tiny building blocks used to make actual Breakfast items, like omlettes and coffee. On their own, they do not constitute a meal. On their own, they taste only of longing and regret.

Please, my dear Perplexed, stop depriving yourself of essential nutrients and delicious meals. At least get some granola bars to supplement your busy schedule. Unlike many other after-hour decisions, this is one you’ll never regret.

Final vote: Not Breakfast.

Co-chair Jessy:

Perplexed,

I get it! I really do. I was up late watching Wings last night myself, had a bit of a lie-in in the morning, and then had to rush out the door to get to the lab on time, with just a thin cup of almond milk trying to stand between me and a Not Breakfast fate. Fortunately, I keep a grapefruit tree flourishing at work for just such an occasion.

But as Guest Committee Member Chad has pointed out, there are many other strategies you can use to make Breakfast work for you, no matter your REM cycle. The pre-packing a granola bar strategy is a good one. (WARNING: I have found that this strategy does not translate as well to, say, oatmeal.) You also might want to consider genetically modifying your own fruit tree, or seducing a bakery owner with co-dependency issues. The possibilities are endless! 

Except for the possibility of swiss cheese and water being Breakfast. Get real. 

Final vote: Not Breakfast. 

The Committee is Certain:

A Slice or Two of Swiss Cheese Washed Down with Water is Not Breakfast.