Second Breakfast Redux

Dear What is Breakfast Committee,

I wasn't that hungry this morning when my Cream of Wheat came to meet me at the breakfast table, so I took a few bites and ran.  Now it's 11:29 and what I did not really do at 7:30 is coming back to haunt me in the form of a raucous stomach chorus.  I am considering eating some peanut butter crackers with some water (it's all I have to drink at work) while listening to Peter, Paul and Mary.  Will this be Breakfast? 

Thanks and a hearty handshake!

Breakfaster?

Dear Breakfaster,

I am delighted to receive a question for which I can deliver such a confident verdict. I must refer you to Guest Committee Member Steve’s brilliant ruling on a second serving of toast and coffee occurring more than forty-five minutes after the initial serving of toast and coffee. In this landmark case, it was determined that, although toast and coffee is most certainly Breakfast, there is only “a forty-five minute window wherein you can consume Breakfast, no matter the activities undertaken between the first and second food engagements.”

According to this precedent, I must inform you that your meal is Not Breakfast. What you have is a special kind of Shitty Lunch known as Sad Desk Lunch, or SDL. SDL is an epidemic that began during the Great Recession when hard-working employees nationwide began to fear leaving their desks, opting instead to pretend to be diligently working through their lunch breaks, while actually focusing on a podcast or, as you mentioned, Peter, Paul and Mary. While lunch is technically outside my purview as a WIBC member, I encourage you to consider a more substantive noontime meal. It’s not as important as Breakfast, but it’s still pretty important.

May a turkey sandwich or a BLT find its way to you next lunch break,

Guest Committee Member Lesley

Dear Breakfaster,

Guest Committee Member Lesley (and, by association, Guest Committee Member Steve) makes an excellent point: This seems like too long a gap to be considered a mere Pause in Breakfast. However, I'd like to raise an additional argument for this being Not Breakfast: the possible Second Breakfast in question is peanut butter crackers, which do not qualify as First or Any Subsequent Breakfast. Because, crackers.

I heartily approve of you eating something at this point in the day, but I do not want you to suffer under the delusion that that thing is Breakfast.

Kind regards,
Co-chair Jessy


The What Is Breakfast Committee regrets to inform you (except not really because it is our only job):

Peanut Butter Crackers and Water Consumed Three Hours and Fifty-Nine Minutes After Original Breakfast are Not Breakfast.

Frappuccino vs. Strudel

We're back, Friends of Breakfast! And we return with a whole soupload of talented Guest Committee Members to help you with all of your breakfast judgment needs.

The first of the newcomers is Guest Committee Member Lesley, who takes a modest approach to her Breakfast expertise. When interviewed for the position, she stated that, although she "always breakfasts and prefers [her] breakfasts to be delicious," she was not sure that she had the highest possible breakfast standards. However, she then proceeded to list all of her recent breakfasts, which all included members of Breakfast in good standing. We the Committee are delighted to welcome her to the table. 

Dear What Is Breakfast Committee,

I am deciding between A) a coffee frappuccino, made in my blender with ice cream and yesterday's coffee, or B) a Toaster Strudel. Obviously I want to pick the most breakfasty option, but I am torn because A sounds more like a milkshake and B — well I'm not sure B has any real "food" in it at all, mainly cardboard with a jelly filling. Help!

Yours,

Shades

PS I will be eagerly awaiting a reply, as I am hungry and incapable of making my own decisions.

Guest Committee Member Lesley:

Dear Shades, 

I hope you have learned your lesson and are now stocking your pantry with appropriate breakfast foods, like oatmeal and bagels. Your dilemma was so challenging, it took months of deliberation to come up with a suitable recommendation. Finally, I realized I was missing a glaringly obvious disqualifier: ice cream. Ice cream is not breakfast unless it is overpowered by a food that is overwhelmingly breakfasty, like scrambled eggs. One might argue that coffee makes the ice cream breakfast, but this is not so. Coffee is a drink. Drinks are merely incidental to the breakfast meal and do not have the power to wash away the sins of a dessert food masquerading as breakfast. Although I would say that a Toaster Strudel's claim to the breakfastness is tenuous at best, it is certainly the more breakfasty of the two options. 

Final vote: Ice cream plus coffee does not equal Breakfast. Toaster Strudel is only Breakfast by default. 

Co-chair Jessy:

Dear Shades of Strudel,

I agree wholeheartedly with my promising young Guest Committee Member in all respects. Although, unfortunately, now I can't stop thinking about eating eggs with ice cream. And I am a little concerned that our belief in the breakfastness of Toaster Strudels has been forged out of mere cardboard and jelly by the mad men of Pillsbury's marketing team.

Final vote: Day-old Coffee Blended with Ice Cream is Not Breakfast. A Toaster Strudel is Breakfast Because I am a Product of the Capitalist Machine.

The Committee Has Determined:

A Frappuccino is Not Breakfast. A Toaster Strudel is Breakfast When the Cupboards are Bare. Eggs and Ice Cream Should Never Be Eaten or Thought of at the Same Time.