What Is Breakfast Anyway?

Beloved Friends of Breakfast:

Co-Chair Jessy here, with some final words on the topic of Breakfast.

Perhaps you may have noticed the X-Files-length gap in Committee decisions, prior to the most recent post. This is due to many factors, such as Co-Chair Chanelle having a child and my waning interest in telling other people what to eat. (Which, oddly enough, seemed to coincide with me becoming a vegan.)

The fact is, the world changes and we must change with it. And a few days ago, when I was walking to work and wishing that I could have Thai food for Breakfast, I had to face the fact that I am not the same woman who once fired a Guest Committee Member for saying that a scone qualified as Breakfast. I can no longer guide you in the same high standards of Breakfast. And do I even need to?

It can be intimidating to try and answer big questions like "What is Breakfast?" and "What will I have for Breakfast?" for yourself, sure. But I believe in you, Breakfasters. And I hope that Chanelle and I and our many generous Guest Committee Members have given you some guidelines that will hopefully help you make educated Breakfast guesses. 

And in the end, that's all any of us can really do.

Thanks for listening.

May all of your Breakfasts be Breakfasts,
Co-Chair Jessy

Second Breakfast Redux

Dear What is Breakfast Committee,

I wasn't that hungry this morning when my Cream of Wheat came to meet me at the breakfast table, so I took a few bites and ran.  Now it's 11:29 and what I did not really do at 7:30 is coming back to haunt me in the form of a raucous stomach chorus.  I am considering eating some peanut butter crackers with some water (it's all I have to drink at work) while listening to Peter, Paul and Mary.  Will this be Breakfast? 

Thanks and a hearty handshake!

Breakfaster?

Dear Breakfaster,

I am delighted to receive a question for which I can deliver such a confident verdict. I must refer you to Guest Committee Member Steve’s brilliant ruling on a second serving of toast and coffee occurring more than forty-five minutes after the initial serving of toast and coffee. In this landmark case, it was determined that, although toast and coffee is most certainly Breakfast, there is only “a forty-five minute window wherein you can consume Breakfast, no matter the activities undertaken between the first and second food engagements.”

According to this precedent, I must inform you that your meal is Not Breakfast. What you have is a special kind of Shitty Lunch known as Sad Desk Lunch, or SDL. SDL is an epidemic that began during the Great Recession when hard-working employees nationwide began to fear leaving their desks, opting instead to pretend to be diligently working through their lunch breaks, while actually focusing on a podcast or, as you mentioned, Peter, Paul and Mary. While lunch is technically outside my purview as a WIBC member, I encourage you to consider a more substantive noontime meal. It’s not as important as Breakfast, but it’s still pretty important.

May a turkey sandwich or a BLT find its way to you next lunch break,

Guest Committee Member Lesley

Dear Breakfaster,

Guest Committee Member Lesley (and, by association, Guest Committee Member Steve) makes an excellent point: This seems like too long a gap to be considered a mere Pause in Breakfast. However, I'd like to raise an additional argument for this being Not Breakfast: the possible Second Breakfast in question is peanut butter crackers, which do not qualify as First or Any Subsequent Breakfast. Because, crackers.

I heartily approve of you eating something at this point in the day, but I do not want you to suffer under the delusion that that thing is Breakfast.

Kind regards,
Co-chair Jessy


The What Is Breakfast Committee regrets to inform you (except not really because it is our only job):

Peanut Butter Crackers and Water Consumed Three Hours and Fifty-Nine Minutes After Original Breakfast are Not Breakfast.

A Merry Breakfast to all!

The What Is Breakfast Committee Christmas Special is brought to you in part by the Baby Jesus, my mom's Egg Souffle, and new Guest Committee Member Carly Mexico. Carly is a big fan of cereal, a world-renowned expert on brunch, and a long-time faithful friend to both co-chairs. She also, incidentally, is the only person to own the pilot episode of Co-chair Jessy's ill-fated cooking show, Cooking with Jessypants, in which she makes huevos rancheros in about four times the amount of time it should take to make huevos rancheros.

Queeeerryyyyyyy!

Dear What Is Breakfast Committee:

Must Standard Breakfast Rules apply on the most magical day of the year? When my mom already said that I can have hot chocolate and christmas cookies for breakfast?? I don't love breaking Rules, but also I really love festive sweet things, and maybe the Committee could cede to the magic a little? On Christmas?

Sincerely,

Festive in Fort Collins

Carly Mexico: I am slightly shame-faced to admit that my initial reaction to my first ever Official Breakfast Determination is, “meh, it’s Christmas, whatevs.” But, co-chairs forgive me, despite the following extended explanation, that is the core of my ruling.

To defend my position, let me first say that I’m a sucker for all things Christmas. In my experience, “Hey, it’s Christmas!” is enough of an excuse to cover a multitude of sins (well, at least gluttony… I totally don’t get on board with those office Christmas party shenanigans). So, there’s that.

For a more professional answer, let me pose a question in response: are cookies really that much less Breakfast than doughnuts? I’m from Massachusetts, friends, running on Dunkin is in my blood. So if coffee and doughnuts are generally regarded as a passable, if not nutritionally-balanced breakfast, can we really disregard the short and seasonable step to hot chocolate and cookies, given the circumstances? I'm assuming, as it's Christmas, that later in the day there will be much feasting; surely the green bean casserole and brussles sprouts will make up for whatever nutritional elements are lacking from the morning's epicurean delights.

Finally, I direct your attention to Festive’s mother, who already said hot chocolate and cookies were OK. I rest my case.

My answer: Hot Chocolate and Christmas cookies are A Very Merry Breakfast. But only on Christmas morning.

Jessy: I think I'm having a crisis of conscience. I've never had one before, but I think this is what one would feel like.

My first inclination (the opposite of Carly Mexico's) was something along the lines of, "are you KIDDING me??!?" The idea of eating hot chocolate and cookies and calling it Breakfast seems like an affront to everything that the WIBC stands for. (And on a personal note, it makes me physically ill to think about it.) Festivity is not a good enough excuse (as we saw in our response to An Endorser of the Exceptional Breakfast long ago). And we all know that BAH-HUMBUG stands for Breakfast Always Has Healthy Underpinnings, Mostly By Unchoosing Gumdrops.

But unfortunately, my Esteemed Guest Committee Member has made a compelling argument. (And not just because she used the word "shenanigans.") Even as the Scrooge of Breakfast, I have been known to make allowances for items like scones or donuts. And she's right! Donuts aren't any more like real food than Christmas cookies are! Particularly if you get them with enough frosting! Which is disgusting, but as previously mentioned, I am not a member of the What Is Disgusting Committee! And none of this would even matter, except it's Christmas, and I've consumed dozens of Christmas movies over the years, all of which have taught me that the rules of the universe don't apply on Christmas, and, and, and...

Oh fine, it's Breakfast.

FOR ONE DAY ONLY.

Merry Christmas.

[Ed.: And for the sake of appeasing the very cranky man in the comments, and my own conflicted conscience, please at least consider sprinkling your Christmas cookies with, I don't know... bananas?]

Repentance, Resolutions, and Coffee For Breakfast

The WIBC apologizes, yet again, for its tardiness in replying to its many queries. But it recognizes that after so many apologies, it is time to stop apologizing and truly repent.

Thus, in the spirit of pre-new-year resolutions, the Committee is going to boldly attempt to provide you, in the year of our Lord two-thousand-and-eleven, with a new Breakfast Determination each Friday.

So send in those queries, breakfast-curious. The answers are on their way!

In other news, the Committee has decided to give Guest Committee Member David Ells another chance. He may have a split-personality disorder, but it is knowledge of Breakfast that counts in this industry.

Enough business. ON TO THE QUERY!

Dear Committee,

Re: the hot chocolate/Bailey's post.

Coffee = breakfast.

Of course!

Riiight??

Signed,

Confused Gypsy in NoCal

Jessy: I know I'm going to draw some fire for this one, but I'm going to go ahead and say it: in my opinion, Coffee, while standing as a key ingredient in many Breakfasts, is Not Breakfast on its own. In fact, I would submit that a Beverage can only support a meal, not stand alone as a meal on its own merits.

For example, if you drink orange juice for "breakfast" without any solid food accompaniment, you are not eating Breakfast, but rather are participating in a temporary juice fast. Although juice fasts have many excellent health benefits, being Breakfast is not one of them.

Similarly, if you had coffee for "breakfast," it's more like you started Breakfast and forgot to finish. And, as we all know, "almost only counts in horseshoes." So think about that next time you're playing horseshoes, Gypsy.

David Ells: "If it's not in your cup, you're out of luck. And if you need a maxim in time, just use slant rhyme" as they say. So, no, yeah, totally. Breakfast.

The What Is Breakfast Committee Has Determined:

Coffee By Itself is Not Breakfast. Nor Are Slant Rhymes.

On an unrelated note, The Committee is now accepting applications for new Guest Committee Members.