Saturday, April 6, 2013

Pillsbury vs. Breakfast

Dear Committee:

I was recently informed by a TV commercial that it's not actually Breakfast without Pillsbury Grands! biscuits.  I'm confused by this claim, because if true, I have apparently never eaten Breakfast in my entire life.  I am not one to accept commercial claims willy-nilly, but I am nonetheless looking to your professional opinion to confirm that I have, in fact, eaten Breakfast before (many delicious and seemingly complete Breakfasts, I might add) despite the lack of biscuits springing from a vacuum-sealed jar.  Please do clear up this confusion. 

Many thanks,

A Breakfast Eater (maybe)

Dear Breakfast Eater,

Corporate flag-staking confuses many Breakfast participants. After the invention of toaster strudel, I spent two years thinking toaster pastries were antiquated and beneath me. The lesson: don’t believe the hype.

I do, however, understand why companies like Pillsbury want to corner the market on Breakfast—it’s big money. Have you ever picked up the tab after everyone at your table ordered skillets?

In short, Pillsbury is guilty of Breakfast conceit. Unfortunately, this crime goes relatively unpunished in the United States. Many of the Breakfast-related cases have been settled out of court, and there is no active Breakfast legislation on the House docket.

But the law is clear: a corporation cannot copyright Breakfast.

I consulted the official Pillsbury website and it seems as if they no longer support this claim. Perhaps, in the time between your query and this response, they have seen the error in their ways.

To be safe, I have written a letter on behalf of the WIBC, proposing an amendment to their tagline: “It’s probably still Breakfast without Pillsbury Grands! Biscuits, but try them if you’re ever in the mood for biscuits and it’s morning-time.”

I’ve also made sure to retroactively certify all your previously consumed Breakfasts as Breakfast. You have officially eaten many Breakfasts. No corporation can take that from you.

Guest Committee Member Steve

Dear Breakfast Eater:

Hang on, let me just check my list of What Is Breakfast Committee Members....

Weird, it looks like Pillsbury is not listed. GUESS THEY DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT IS BREAKFAST.

Keep to your own side of the street, Pillsbury.

Kind regards,
Co-chair Jessy

The Committee agrees:

Breakfast Can be Breakfast Without the Assistance of Pillsbury Grands! Biscuits.

(The Committee is less certain that they have the authority to retroactively certify all Breakfasts as Breakfasts.)