Monday, October 28, 2013

After-Breakfast Dessert?

Dear WIBC, 

How about a bowl of Maple Brown Sugar Life, Fresca Black Cherry Soda, and two Whoopie Pies while reading People Magazine? What do you consider appropriate reading material for breakfast-time? What about the Cereal-to-Whoopie-Pie Ratio? What if the Whoopie Pies were made with Whole Grain flour? Could the Whoopie Pies be considered an after-breakfast dessert? (This was not MY breakfast. It was eaten by someone in whose dietary and intellectual habits I have a vested interest. Is that allowed?) 

-Blake's wife

Guest Committee Member David Death:

What is Breakfast? Before we ask what is breakfast, we must first answer "why is Breakfast?"

Why is Breakfast? Breakfast is to start the @&$!#!% day. Nay, to OWN THE @&$!#!% DAY. To destroy our enemies with speed and precision. We must ATTACK with stealth and cunning, we must be acute and FULL OF @&$!#!% APTITUDE. Because our ENEMIES ARE WAITING. 

So, What is Breakfast? What gives us the power and strength to obliterate the @#!$ out of the day? NUTRITION!  Vitamins and minerals. PROTEINS. MILK. MUSCLES. SLAM DUNKS.

What isn't Breakfast? What doesn't keep you TOUGH AS @#!$  Two cakes separated by HELL. HELL is  a place on earth, and it's made of that white sugary, strength-stealing, white shit in the middle of two gingerbread cakes delicately sprinkled with more sugary white shit. DELICATE IS NOT STRONG. Whoopie? More like Whimpy. THIS MUST NOT GET NEAR YOUR BREAKFAST. 

What are your enemies eating for Breakfast? Whoopie Pies? NO. They crush the biggest Whoopie Pies (1.062 lbs) with their brains while eating BANANAS and PROTEIN and some @&$!#!% JUICE. Did you eat a Whoopie Pie for breakfast? You are WEAK and you will be CRUSHED. You must be strong. Did a loved one eat a Whoopie Pie? THEY ARE WEAK. You are weak because those closest to you are WEAK. They cannot protect you. Some eggs-on-a-bagel-eating $%&!$@#!$!# will SNEAK INTO YOUR DAY and make it AWFUL, because he is your enemy and you are WEAK, but he is STRONG BECAUSE PROTEIN.  

Because this is the most important @&$!#!% meal of the day. 

Recommended reading: THE INGREDIENTS OF PROTEIN.

Co-chair Jessy:

The What Is Breakfast Committee would like to communicate the utmost respect for Vested Interests and Other Forms of Love, and is certainly very happy for you and yours. But, no, that's Not Breakfast, Blake.

The What Is Breakfast Committee is very loud and very certain:

Maple Brown Sugar Life Cereal, Fresca Black Cherry Soda, Two Whoopie Pies, and People Magazine Have Never Been Nor Shall They Ever Be Breakfast.

1 comment:

carly said...

I am officially scared straight.