Monday, November 25, 2013

Cheese, Buzzfeed, and Breakfast: PART 1 OF 2

The Committee is pleased as breakfast punch to introduce our new Guest Committee Member, Dis, a west-coast Breakfast Advocate who will be assisting us with this important, two-part query:

Dear Committee: 

A recent Buzzfeed article* offered several alt-mac-'n'-cheese recipes, including Mac 'N' Cheese Pancakes and something called Breakfast Mac.  

Are Mac-Cakes Breakfast? Is Breakfast Mac Breakfast? Or must I choose sides between Buzzfeed and Breakfast?

Concerned Buzzfeed Breakfaster

Dear Concerned Buzzfeed Breakfaster,

First off, thank you for your inquiry. Without concerned (potential) Breakfasters like you, we would not be here to serve the community in the best way we know howthrough defining the Breakfast choices of others. 

You have posed a query concerning two parts: mac and cheese pancakes, and "making mac and cheese for Breakfast." But, let us not forget the title of this article: "3 Extra-Crispy Ways to Eat Mac 'N' Cheese." The intent of this article is to convince its readers to somehow eat macaroni and cheese in some godless manner, by deviating from the standard blue box and making it extra crispy. The Kraft dinosaur from the blue box would be disappointed in you. 

If I were less lazy, that would be photoshopped to be a thumbs down. 

Needless to say, these dishes begin in an already tenuous position for making their case to be Breakfast. Let's address the two questions in turn, shall we, Concerned? (Co-chair note: The second part of this answer must be withheld till next week's query, due to time constraints. Stay tuned!)

1.   Mac 'N' Cheese Pancakes

First things first: the article defines this dish as pancakes, but describes macaroni and cheese, breaded, then fried. Since it attempts to define itself as a pancake, it raises a question we may take for granted: What truly is a pancake? Let's keep it simpletake it away, Merriam Webster. 
"a thin, flat, round cake that is made by cooking batter on both sides in a frying pan or on a hot surface (called a griddle)."
Fair enough, dictionary. So, do these creations even qualify as pancakes? No, no they do not. There is no batter, only crispy macaroni and cheese. So, despite trying to be shoehorned in to the Great Breakfast Pancake Compromise of 1997, wherein the powers that be treated over eggs, toast, meats, and thin round cakes made by cooking batter on both sides, and determined that even absurd pancakes that are truly just an excuse to eat cupcakes for Breakfast would be counted, the macaroni and cheese "pancake" is Not Breakfast.

But, you say, what about a situation where you have leftover macaroni and cheese pancakes, you re-heat them, and you throw some eggs on top to make it Breakfast? Under the 2013 ruling by Guest Judge Dis, where it was posited that any leftover item with eggs on top shall be considered Breakfast,** it would qualify. However, the recipe itself states: "Eat the pancakes as soon as they are ready for maximum crispiness and cheesy gooeyness." So, dear friend, again, Not Breakfast, as it has disqualified itself from Dis Leftover Exemption. 

Dear CBR,

First of all, never fear: Guest Committee Member Dis didn't fall asleep there. Part 2 of his determination will be brought to you next week, when he addresses the claims of Breakfast Mac!

Secondly, Buzzfeed: Okay, Buzzfeed straightup is not a reliable source of anything. You need to accept that if you're going to make it as a human being. I ran a quick search on the phrase "a recent Buzzfeed article" and two of the top results were "9 Totally Bizarre and Wonderful Fashion Pizzas" and "The 17 Stages of Rainbow Loom Obsession." This is not a place where information goes. This is a place where--

Alright, I just looked at the fashion pizzas and I must admit that I have never before seen that level of precision in cheese placement. Still, worthwhile pizza news coverage aside, Buzzfeed doesn't have the integrity of a place like the What Is Breakfast Committee, which has sworn to protect the name of Breakfast, or die trying. (I'm not sure if our Guest Committee Members are all aware of the severity of the Committee's oath, so this is probably a good time to let them know what they've signed up for.) 

Which is why you can believe me when I say that, for all of the reasons that Guest Committee Member Dis has already mentioned, and because squishing dinner into the shape of a Breakfast food only makes it an impostor, no, Mac-Cakes are Not Breakfast.

The Committee promises you:

Mac-Cakes are Not Breakfast.

And Buzzfeed is not a newspaper.

*At the time of this query.
**According to our minutes and Co-chair Jessy's feelings on the topic, this is not an official What Is Breakfast Committee Determination.

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