Friday, December 31, 2010

Incan Gods vs. Breakfast Gods

Happy New Years Eve, Friends of Breakfast! The What Is Breakfast Committee is delighted to report that they are already on track to fulfill their pre-resolution of updating this blog with new determinations every Friday. (Three weeks = three determinations = WIN.) In the pursuit of that goal, we continue to introduce exciting (and occasionally maverick) new Guest Committee Members. This week, we'd like to welcome Guest Committee Member David Death to the breakfast table.

David Death has the most important qualification for a Committee Member: he always eats Breakfast. (Previous "Problem Members" have always been non-breakfast-eaters. Co-chair Jessy has no excuse whatsoever for allowing these people to make breakfast-related decisions.) He also provides a much-needed expertise in the arena of Gluten-Free Breakfast, as well as a flair for factually-questionable mythology.

Dear What Is Breakfast Committee:

As I sit in my dining room this morning, soaking up the desert sunshine and delighting in my morning meal, I became paralyzed mid-spoonful as the thought surfaced, "Is this breakfast??" I am indulging in quinoa with apples, raisins, and vanilla yogurt with cinnamon on top. What concerns me is the quinoa. Could this sacred Incan super crop be breakfast? Is this mighty grain amongst grains truly a breakfast food? Will I disturb the Incan gods with my preparation of this meal? And what about the breakfast gods?

Please advise.

Mid-spoonful, anxious, and awaiting your reply,
(February 4, 2009)

Dear Tiffany,

First, let me just apologize on behalf of Committees everywhere for leaving you mid-spoonful for the past thirteen-and-a-half months. Regardless of what position you were in when you chose to freeze and await our reply, I realize it is highly unlikely that it has remained comfortable for this period of time. I sympathize with your plight and the plight of your atrophied muscles. I also regret to inform you that the What Is Breakfast Committee cannot be held responsible for any medical conditions arising from their determinations or lack thereof.

Secondly, let us address the matter at hand: quinoa.
Wikipedia identifies quinoa as a "psuedocereal," stating that it is "a grain-like product.... more closely related to beets, spinach, and tumbleweeds" (????) than to, say, rice crispies. Now, while I can state with absolute conviction that Tumbleweeds Are Not Breakfast, it only seems fair to note that quinoa fulfills every Breakfast nutritional value that the Committee could dream of, due to its status as a "superfood" (and, one can only assume, its unique blessing from the Incan Breakfast gods). Also, it appears to me that Dedicated Breakfaster Tiffany has taken her good intentions a step further, and surrounded the possibly-questionable quinoa with apples, raisins, vanilla yoghurt, and cinnamon - thus metaphorizing the quinoa into a somewhat-healthier oatmeal substitute.

Furthermore, since I've already referenced Wikipedia on this matter (although my more-scholarly co-chair might object to its inclusion as a source), it only seems fair to add that Wikipedia specifically states that, "Quinoa can serve as a high-protein
breakfast food mixed with honey, almonds, or berries; it is also sold as a dry product, much like corn flakes." Although neither apples, raisins, yoghurt, nor cinnamon are specifically mentioned as Breakfast Mixers here, I feel confident in allowing some creative expansion on the specific items listed here, as long as they fall firmly within the established Breakfast cannon.

This half of The Committee applauds your decision. You may take that now-moldering bite with confidence.

Final vote:

David Death:
Dear Tiffany Quinoa,

The lucky ones will sometimes wakeup with a pain that feels like General Tso fighting last Saturday's Chinese for breakfast (Not Breakfast) in their stomach. Usually accompanied with bad words and gnashing teeth, the oft misdiagnosed pain is caused by the fun-in-the-sun Celiac Disease. Celiac Disease, an autoimmune reaction to gliadin found in the gluten protein, is a lifetime Big Deal with [edited for grossness], nausea, and a failure-to-carry-on as common symptoms. Not unlike Celiac, the oft self-diagnosed wheat allergy produces similar symptoms.

These lucky ones look for solace in less popular grains. Enter Lady Quinoa, an attractive and gliadin free alternative to the sexy, but uninteresting wheat. It can even be eaten hot or cold. Take that Oatmeal! In short, Quinoa makes an excellent substitute for any wheat-based cereal, thereby making an excellent breakfast choice.

But breakfast, unfortunately, is second to a more pressing issue that you brought up. Sadly, your prophecy was correct and you did, in fact, disturb the Incan Gods. If our silence for the last 22 months was disquieting, consider that any and all response efforts went to defending your life and ours. You're welcome.

Final Vote: Breakfast, even if the gods are angry.*

The Committee Has Determined:

Quinoa With Apples, Raisins, and Vanilla Yogurt with Cinnamon On Top Is Totes Breakfast.

*Quick historical fact: Celiac Disease was first brought to Earth by the ancient Incan Gods to punish the children of father's who did evil things with bread.

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