Saturday, March 30, 2013

Swiss Cheese Sleep Cycle

Welcome back, Hopeful Breakfasters! And please join me in welcoming Guest Committee Member Chad, a great patron of Breakfast establishments throughout Chicago, the Bay Area, and his house. He also took our Breakfast photo on the right, thus providing photographic evidence that he knows Breakfast when he sees it. 

Dear What is Breakfast Committee,

I have a dilemma.  My poor sleeping habits sometimes have ill-effects.  One of these ill-effects is sleeping in a bit too late and having to take my Breakfast "on the road" as I run off hurriedly to class.  I don't always have much in terms of food "to go," so oftentimes I will grab a slice of swiss cheese or two and wash it down with water.  Is that Breakfast?

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Guest Committee Member Chad:
Dear Perplexed,

I am sorry for your sleeping troubles. Many of us have known the long stretches of dark, insomnia-ridden nights that make the bright glow of Breakfast seem painfully far away.

Unless, of course, you’re just doing other things, like watching entire seasons of Wings on Netflix, in which case you need to re-examine your life choices.

Which brings me to my next point: use those late-night hours to prepare Breakfast for the next day! As any good nightwalker knows, a sleepless hour doesn’t have to be a wasted hour (or a boring one, if you have an equally sleepless and consenting partner around). Perhaps you could hit an all-night grocery and pick up something more substantial than slices of swiss cheese.

So, on that note: cheese and water, I have to say, are simply tiny building blocks used to make actual Breakfast items, like omlettes and coffee. On their own, they do not constitute a meal. On their own, they taste only of longing and regret.

Please, my dear Perplexed, stop depriving yourself of essential nutrients and delicious meals. At least get some granola bars to supplement your busy schedule. Unlike many other after-hour decisions, this is one you’ll never regret.

Final vote: Not Breakfast.

Co-chair Jessy:

I get it! I really do. I was up late watching Wings last night myself, had a bit of a lie-in in the morning, and then had to rush out the door to get to the lab on time, with just a thin cup of almond milk trying to stand between me and a Not Breakfast fate. Fortunately, I keep a grapefruit tree flourishing at work for just such an occasion.

But as Guest Committee Member Chad has pointed out, there are many other strategies you can use to make Breakfast work for you, no matter your REM cycle. The pre-packing a granola bar strategy is a good one. (WARNING: I have found that this strategy does not translate as well to, say, oatmeal.) You also might want to consider genetically modifying your own fruit tree, or seducing a bakery owner with co-dependency issues. The possibilities are endless! 

Except for the possibility of swiss cheese and water being Breakfast. Get real. 

Final vote: Not Breakfast. 

The Committee is Certain:

A Slice or Two of Swiss Cheese Washed Down with Water is Not Breakfast.

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