Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Controversial Otter Pop

Dear What Is Breakfast Committee:

As a long-time Breakfast-enthusiast, I tend to try and mix things up for Breakfast on occasion... Who wants the same bland toast, eggs, bacon, or cereal for Breakfast EVERY morning? But with these culinary nuances at hand, I find myself wondering... Is the accompaniment of a typical Breakfast product along with those of the "non-breakfast" staple considered Breakfast? Take for example my Breakfast this morning: Cheerios with 2% milk (obviously Breakfast) with the delightful addition of an Otter Pop. Breakfast? Now it has been said that the likes of a food with the sugar exceeding that of a typical sugar cereal may not be considered Breakfast, but what about an Otter Pop with a miniscule 6 grams of sugar? Is that Breakfast on its own? Or would the partnership of my humble Cheerios allow something of its stature to roam out of its typical classification? I hope you can solve my dilemma, or else I may have been eating Breakfast wrong all along!

With regards,
Famished in Fort Collins
(September 4, 2009) 

Co-chair Jessy: This half of the Committee has no idea what an Otter Pop is. And yet she can declare, with absolute certainty, that it is Not Breakfast.

Judging by the name, it seems like it must either be a) a popsicle in the shape of an Otter, b) a lollipop in the shape of an Otter, or c) a frozen Otter (or part of an otter?) on a stick. The Committee obviously has access to the wonder of "google images," but refuses to employ that venerable tool to answer a question that has already been answered: No, an Otter Pop is Not Breakfast.

(If you had the Cheerios and THEN a Otter Pop, The Committee would be willing to concede that you did have Breakfast, and then immediately followed it with something that was Not Breakfast. However, if you added the Otter Pop to your Cheerios, the Committee can only conclude that you not only did Not eat Breakfast, but you are also a sick, sick man.)

Guest Committee Member David Death: Three and half years have passed since your initial query. A lot has changed since then: dub step is considered real music, Ben Affleck won an Oscar for portraying a Mexican, the ice caps have melted and so has your Otter Pop.

What hasn't changed is breakfast, which is exactly what you have not been eating for the last three and a half years. And that's exactly what I'm here to rectify.

According to a website of my choosing, the Otter Pop is defined as a "frozen snack…filled with a fruit juice liquid." The liquid is neither fruit nor juice, but water filled with flavors - a colored ice cube. Packing a whopping 40 calories, you'll burn more calories bringing the liquid snack up to your mouth than you will consuming it, leaving negative calories. Negative calories are not food, and not food is Not Breakfast.

But this "frozen snack" is curious. What if your frozen snack is two scrambled eggs and bacon blended into a liquid state and left in the freezer? Definitely Breakfast. Oatmeal and raisins shaped into a cone and placed on a stick? Breakfast. Pancakes and hashbrowns? You bet. Hot as lava or cold as Pluto (R.I.P), whatever your temperature preference, Breakfast is Breakfast at any thermometer reading.

So, put your Otter Pop back in the freezer and leave it there. Forever. Because Frozen Liquid Snacks Made of Water and Color are Not Breakfast. You've simply chosen to eat a popsicle after Breakfast and before Lunch. Is it Brunch, you ask? Good question, but we at the What Is Breakfast Committee are not authorized, nor qualified to answer that. Please refer to the Why Does Brunch Matter Community.

A quick note: While an ice cube is not food and definitely Not Breakfast, it should be noted that any meal with Ice Cube is and always will be Breakfast.

The Committee can attest:

An Otter Pop With Breakfast is No Breakfast at All.

(And for the record, our official position is that the Presence or Absence of Iconic Rap Artists Does Not Affect the Status of Breakfast vs. Not Breakfast.)

(And that liquefied-then-frozen eggs may not officially be Breakfast until the year 2063.)

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